One evening when the children were in bed Carol and I began talking about how being separated had been for us both. Carol really complimented me for keeping my head and not hitting the booze when things got tough because I was still quite vulnerable in that direction; I praised her too for managing the children on her own through difficult times in the often unforgiving environment of Geordieland. With not having any extended family to speak of we only had each other to top up our ’emotional bank accounts’; praising each other was one way we were able to build up our self esteem and continue bonding.
*

During our separation we had both had our 21st birthday without the other and both had tough challenges and decisions to make without having the other for support. It had been quite an isolating time for both of us but for Carol it turned out to be extremely worrying too.

*

Not long after I had arrived in Gibraltar our baby Sam had begun having seizures and become extremely ill, so much so that it wasn’t known if she would survive. Tests were inconclusive and so a diagnosis or prognosis wasn’t possible. Things became so scary for Carol after being convinced by the medics that we may very well lose the baby she contacted SAAFA (Sailors, Army, Air Force Association) and asked them to request the Royal Navy to send me home on compassionate grounds.

*

SAAFA contacted the Commanding Officer of HMS Rooke on Carols behalf, explaining the circumstances, and requested compassionate leave for me. It was refused. The reply from Rooke said that I would be given compassionate leave only ‘if the baby died’. The effect of this response on Carol can only be imagined; our child may die, she would have to face that dreadful prospect alone after which she would have to manage her grief until I got home after I had been told by a total stranger that my daughter was dead. What an awful thing to cope with.

*

Of course I knew nothing of all this at the time, because the Navy didn’t inform me, but as Carol spoke that evening it all starting making sense; particularly when I thought back to my birthday and the Bootnecks wouldn’t leave until after I had opened my telegram. They must have thought Carol was updating me and were wary of my reaction. As it turned out Carol’s telegram was only a genuine birthday message and so they left me be.

*

As I slowly took in the implications of what Carol was telling me I was outraged; so much so that later in the year the Royal Navy would learn just how sickened I was; how much my love and faith in them had been shaken to the core.